Malachi had spent much of the night awake and crying, until I finally got up and fed him around 4:30, so I started the day exhausted, which never bodes well for any of us. I tried not to panic over the sink full of dirty dishes; the unreturned phone calls; the mountain of laundry waiting to be washed and the other mountain of laundry waiting to be folded and put away; the bathroom that badly needed cleaning; the kitchen and dining room floors waiting to be swept.
Rachel whined for 30 minutes because "Zeke keeps looking at me the wrong way." Zeke gleefully did everything he could to push her buttons.
While fixing breakfast, I turned around to see Karis jamming a drinking straw down onto Malachi's head. Just after breakfast, she pooped in her underwear. A little later, I heard Malachi's crying (nothing unusual) turn into terrified, muffled screams. I ran into the living room to find Karis covering his nose and mouth with her hand, squeezing as hard as she could. Oh yeah - she had just been down in the basement eating play dough and smashing it into her clothes.
At this point, I have to be honest, I sent her to her room simply to prevent myself from hurting her. In fact, I left everyone upstairs and fled to the basement for a few minutes to catch my breath and regain a little sanity. At the risk of every one of you realizing that I truly am a sorry excuse for a mother and a human being at times like these, I confess that in that moment, although I loved them dearly, I didn't have a whole lot of fond feelings for my own children - or my lot in life, for that matter.
And that's when I found the link to a site, via my friend Kati, about a little baby girl named Audrey Caroline. I only had time to read for a few minutes, but later, when a couple of the kiddos were napping, I had a chance to come back and read some more - enough to make me cry more than I have in months. Enough to remind me what a gift each one of my children is - a gift and a miracle. If you haven't visited this site already, you've got to stop by and soak in the incredible faith of this family who has been through more pain in the past several months than many people experience in a lifetime.
I opened the door to the bedroom Karis shares with her older brother and sister, got into bed with her and laid there, just stroking her hair and telling her how much I loved her. I doubt she heard me or will ever remember my words, but I needed to say them. Her eyes fluttered open and she sleepily snuggled up to me as I kissed her warm cheek and realized I'm thankful for the chaos, because it means having her, and each one of them, in my life.
I can't say things have gone just wonderfully since yesterday; but I can say that I've held each of the kids a little longer. Loved on them a little more. Thanked God for entrusting to me these 4 precious souls. So thank you, Kati, for passing the story on. And thank you, Lord Jesus, for reminding me that I am, indeed, blessed.
Below are a few pictures that I couldn't resist sharing:
Karis discovered my just-opened can of ginger ale and proceeded to drink most of it. 
Rachel loves to help out in the kitchen, even when I buy a bag full of more green beans than we could eat in a month.
About .5 seconds before Malachi toppled over into the bath water
Zekers and Kari Bou stopped dancing in the rain long enough to pose for a picture
The munchkins actually do like each other sometimes!
10 comments:
You're welcome. Thanks to Sara Deaton for sharing it with me, and so on and so on....Amazing stories like this travel fast!!
Gosh Charity, wasn't it just a post ago you were saying how much you were ENJOYING your kids? :) If we could each be a fly on the wall at someone else's house for a day, I think we'd all be SHOCKED, yet strangely comforted by the chaos. Life is just hard--some days more than others--and its good to remember we're all in the same boat!
I must say, I love your honesty!! Probably because it makes me feel not quite so awful about my own LOUSY mothering much of the time. God, give us more GRACE!!!!
Amen to that! I really do enjoy my kids, but you know how it goes - some days (weeks) are harder than others. I am so thankful that God's grace is enough to make a beautiful thing of a dreadful day; and I pray almost daily that He will increase my faith. Hopefully someday the kiddos will look back at their childhood and see God's hand in the midst of our mess!
Charity you're HUMAN! We all have/had *those* days with our kids.
i recall one time with David when instead of taking his nap, he repeatedly got out of bed and finally pulled the drawers out of the dresser so he could climb up them and see the fish bowl on top. The entire thing came toppling over~~dresser, drawers, contents of drawers, fishbowl (and all its contents)lamp, etc. As I pulled the little guy out from under all this ((and made sure he wasn't actually injured))while barely containing my anger, he simply asked "Is my fish ok?"
I actually walked out of our mobile home and over to where Bob was doing some outdoor work and said "I cannot discipline David right now, or I might actually do damage." I stayed outside for probably half an hour walking, crying and praying.
I think the fish survived and as for David? Judge for yourself :)
We all have those days. For me, it's comforting to know that there are other good and completely respectable mothers who still have complete chaos reigning in their home from time to time. You totally described my house right now....from the mountains of laundry to the dishes and the unswept floors. Remember the movie "What about Bob?" where Dr. Marvin gets so angry at Bob that he stops the car in the middle of the road, flings the car door open and screams utter nonsense at Bob while gesturing at him to get out of the car? I laughed so hard at that last week when we rewatched it on TV b/c I could so relate to the feeling of being that completely overcome with frustration that all you can do is scream nonsense and gesture helplessly!
Hey, is that a can of Vernors ginger ale?? If so, that is a serious transgression indeed!
I read Audrey's story a week or so ago...saw it on Marla Taviano's blog. Oh, the emotion that swept over me!
I sure was lucky. My children were perfect. I don't remember ever raising my voice or hand in anger. All I had to do was give them a special look and they would immediately snap into shape. Each and every day I was a mom was a taste of what heaven will be like. It seemed there was no limit to the affection and respect those two little ones gave me. The only tears I ever cried were tears of joy.
If you believe this then I have time-share in Siberia that I will sell at a really great price!!
and on days like these when someone says, "enjoy them while they are young," you just want to knock them, flat, eh?
you are a full-fledged member of a mighty big club, charity :)
Ma,
why did you stop at 2? you should have had like 8 kids or something, since yours were so perfect :-).
Charity, It's not wrong to feel like your lot in life sucks. Even after a heartwrenching video and blog like the one you mentioned, it's still okay to be mad at your kids. You don't always have to feel guilty if you are out of patience for the day.
I heard that there was a writing contest somewhere telling about your worst day as a parent. I need you to write about mine, it was last monday, I'll tell you about it sometime.
Now we know why guppies eat their young! mm
I have been known to say this to my kids: "Right now, I love you because I have to, but I DO NOT LIKE you!"
I use to hate it when people would tell me to enjoy my kids while they were young because it was the best years of our lives...grrrr...I always figured they either didn't have normal kids or were so old they forgot what it's like.
There is no stage that is more perfect than another. Each has its good times and bad. One thing I am TRULY thankful for is that they don't remember the times I thought were really bad (like spanking in complete anger). In fact, there are bad parenting escapades we can laugh about with our kids now.
I'm going to go out on a limb here in regards to discipline...the Bible never talks about "creative" methods of discipline; it talks about spanking, and so spanking must work. Yes, it gets weary and yes, it takes time to do it correctly and yes, we would rather not have to, but I think the Bible says what it means and means what it says.
Anyway, God bless you and your calling as a mom...He wouldn't call us to something and than leave us to figure it out on our own.
Thank you so much, all of you, for the encouraging words. It helps to hear from other moms who I respect and admire, that I'm not the only nut job around here. :-)
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