Saturday we drove to Columbus for our annual Emch family reunion (my mom's side). There were 40 people present, if you count the 2 who came in utero, and a good time was had by all. The kids did water balloons in the afternoon, and some of the adults joined in. Mr. Moo spent a deliriously happy hour grabbing one water balloon after another, sticking them in his mouth and chomping down until they burst open - all over him. Good thing we brought a change of clothes! We left at around 7, and all of the kiddos slept the whole way home and then went straight to bed - except for Zekers, who stayed awake for the 2-hour drive and pretty frequently informed us how bored he was.
A couple of weeks ago, I started reading a book called Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. I borrowed it from a friend because I was beginning to suspect that one or more of our kiddos had anger issues - and because I was desperate! The more I read, the more I realize I am reading for my own anger issues. Each page is more convicting than the one before; I actually stopped reading for a few days so I could let the information percolate for a while.
This list of 25 things that provoke children to anger was like a sucker punch to the stomach. I had never thought about some of these before, how they can frustrate and provoke a child. It was good to read, though - because it helped me to identify the ungodly ways I respond to my kids, but also gave me hope, because there are some things we're doing right! (by God's grace)
He gave several paragraphs of explanation for each, but I'll just list them out:
1. lack of marital harmony
2. establishing and maintaining a child-centered home
3. modeling sinful anger
4. habitually disciplining while angry
5. scolding
6. inconsistency in discipline
7. having double standards
8. being legalistic
9. not admitting you're wrong and not asking for forgiveness
10. constantly finding fault
11. parents reversing God-given roles
12. not listening to your child's opinion or taking his/her "side of the story" seriously
13. comparing your children to others
14. not making time just to talk
15. not praising / encouraging your child
16. failing to keep your promises
17. chastening in front of others
18. not allowing enough freedom
19. allowing too much freedom
20. mocking your child
21. abusing your child physically
22. ridiculing or name calling
23. unrealistic expectations
24. practicing favoritism
25. child-training with worldly methodologies, inconsistent with God's Word
Five of these items were particularly convicting for me. But now that I've identified some of the problem, I can start asking God to help me turn things around!
He also goes into the "gumnazo principle" - training in godliness. Any kind of training involves lots of practice, and disciplining kids is no different. One of the key elements in training kids to respond in the right way is to have the practice the right way. So, when I hear any of them speaking to each other or to me or Danny in an inappropriate way, I simply ask them to rephrase what they said, (changing tone of voice, body language, and words) and practice saying it the right way!
Things haven't been perfect by any stretch, but I have seen some improvement, and that is encouraging. Danny has even said that after he finishes the incredibly boring books he's currently reading, he might read this one as well.
So if you hear any of our kiddos screaming in public, just know that we're still a work in progress!
6 comments:
Is that a smile I see on Zeke's face ??????? WOW, you must have had a good time.
Another book that is on my long list to read, and I think that it will be more applicable to me, than my parenting.
i'm so glad that God can - and does - cover all those mistakes i made over the years! it was painful just reading the LIST, let alone the book.
and that family picture is GOOD! better save it for the holiday cards :)
Yes, great family pic!
Interestingly enough, #2 on the list has been fermenting in the back of my mind lately. Many years ago at a homeschool convention, we heard the "child-centered home" phrase and a talk on the effects of it. It was very sobering and has stuck with me. Maybe it's just selfishness on my part, but children definitely need to learn that life is not about them, the marriage relationship is not about them and that decisions are not made based on their likes and dislikes (with some qualification, I know).
Great book!
I totally agree. I think kids are actually much happier and more secure knowing they are not the center of the universe!
YIKES!! Reading that list, I can see where YOU get YOUR anger issues AND where I get MY anger issues. Of course, we know the ultimate source - sin and God's enemy. Oh the joys of growing up in a dysfunctional family! Sigh....
Post a Comment