Becoming

It's 1:00 am, and I can't sleep. Maybe it's the restless thoughts roaming around inside my head that refuse to be quieted. Maybe it's the strong cup of coffee I drank several hours ago. Either way, it's been a full day . . . and my brain and my body just won't shut down for the night.

As we sat down to eat dinner, I received a phone call. Somehow, although what I heard didn't surprise me, I wasn't prepared for the news, or for the rush of tears that immediately followed. oh, Jesus, why must some people suffer so?

A lot of things have been weighing on me lately. And I realized tonight, as I lay in bed unsuccessfully trying to will myself to sleep, that most of it boils down to . . . feeling desperately inadequate.

I've always taken my job as a mother very seriously, but recently I've begun to feel the weight of it - the significance of this staggering responsibility I have to play a key role in 4 young lives. Modeling, and instructing them in, the ways of Christ; teaching them to love and follow Him when I myself fall so woefully short. I see them picking up on attitudes they see in me - repeating words & phrases they hear from me - and it takes my breath away, the amount of influence I have in each of their lives, for good or for evil. I try to be consistent with discipline, to lavish them with love, to demonstrate joy, but sometimes I'm just . . . tired. You don't get to say, "OK, this week you'll have a substitute Mommy - I'm going on vacation." You don't get a break from it, because even when you're most worn out or discouraged, they're watching and learning from you. oh Jesus, this parenting thing is hard!

I also feel inadequate as a wife - particularly as a pastor's wife. How do I encourage my husband, but also help to sharpen him? I want to be there for him, to always have the perfect words roll off my tongue - the exact words he needs to hear to make everything alright. Instead, so often what rolls out of my mouth are words of self-pity or criticism. And how do you make your home a peaceful haven when he comes in the door after work to find Polly Pocket dolls and Little People scattered all over the living room - not to mention the piles of laundry I haven't gotten to yet? Did the Proverbs 31 woman ever have days like this?

All around me is pain. Broken bodies. Broken marriages. Broken hearts. I feel it sweeping over me like some kind of unstoppable current, and I am powerless to do anything to make any of it better.

But that's just it. I am inadequate. HE is not. Jesus Christ, the all-powerful, unchanging, sovereign Lord of all, is able to do everything I cannot. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

And even now, in the wee hours of the morning as I sit here trying to make sense of my feverish thoughts, I hear his still small voice: "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden (beating your brains out trying to do what only I can do) and I will give you rest . . . take my yoke upon you and learn from me . . . for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I hate it when my own weakness and helplessness stare me in the face. But I love that my Savior's strength and peace and perfect love reside within me! And if I have to be faced daily with my own inadequacies in order to appreciate His glorious grace in my life, then I am grateful for those inadequacies (or at least am becoming more so).

Jesus, help me to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. My words will fix nothing. But Your Word brings comfort and hope. My efforts are in vain. But Your grace is sufficient. oh, how I love You!

. . . not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty. (Zechariah 4:6)