*SIGH*
I really don't want to write about this. And yet I feel that I need to. It's been on my mind all morning and maybe writing it out will help me to be able to think about something else!
This is probably where I reveal how nuts I truly am, but here goes. . . Have you ever found yourself replaying conversations from the previous day? Or laid awake at night, inwardly cringing over something you said earlier? (This is pretty much every night for me!)
Two conversations from yesterday come to mind. In the first, when the person asked how life was going with 4 kids, I found myself replying, "Oh, well, you know - one day kind of runs into the next." Then later, in conversation with someone else, I lamented, "I am SOOOO ready for spring!"
OK, I've said a lot worse. But the thing that keeps getting to me is, WHY??? Why did I feel the need to complain about my life when I have so much to be thankful for? I love and enjoy my family tremendously. I've been blessed beyond measure in more ways than I can count. And why, for crying out loud, do these kind of comments flow forth from my mouth at church, of all places? During a time when we're all together as a body of believers to celebrate our Lord and Savior?
What makes me cringe the most is knowing these were missed opportunities. Instead of demonstrating the joy that comes from knowing Christ Jesus, I chose to reveal the discontent in my heart.
And that's really what this is about: "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Mt. 12:34) It's not about changing my words; it's about changing my heart.
I don't want to live my life just looking forward to the day when things are different. I don't want to live for the days when my kids are more independent - I want to soak in and LOVE every minute of their little-ness now. (with the possible exception of Malachi's blowouts) I don't want to spend every winter pining for spring - I want to embrace each day - no matter what the weather or the circumstances involved - as an undeserved gift from God.
There is a difference between transparency and complaining. I do not want to be someone who always acts as though things are just peachy when inside I'm fighting for sanity. We're called to bear one another's burdens as believers, and this can't happen if we aren't honest when we genuinely have a burden. But my speech yesterday was not transparency; it was discontent.
So, if I have ever made comments like these to you, I am truly sorry. And if you ever hear me make a statement that sounds like complaining, please call me on it!! (at least I'll be able to sleep that night) Because I really am one lucky girl . . . . and by "lucky" I mean BLESSED.
20 comments:
Charity,
I totally understand. I have done that many times. I hate to complain to people and a I fear I do it way to much! Thanks for your encouragement!
Well, doesn't it make you feel better to know that probably every one who reads this blog will be nodding their head with you because they've BEEN THERE too!!! We all struggle/strive for contentment and we all fail---and yes, even at church!! Aren't we glad for grace from God and grace from each other! Hey--maybe we should name our church "Grace"?? :)
And by the way, Charity, hasn't anyone ever told you that YOU are the reason we keep Danny around? ;)
personally, i think winter was created as a form of discipline, which, as we all know, is never pleasant at the time, but painful. however, we do reap a harvest of flowers and gardening if we can but endure it.
so, nothing wrong with longing for spring.... :p
that's what i say
Charity I am always encouraged by the tenderness of your heart and your wilingness to share where you are really at.
Ok, so maybe you didn't do it yesterday in those two conversations, but your heart must be tender for the LORD to have worked on you so quickly.
Praying for you!
Miss you ALL!
Thank you so much for the encouragement, girls - it means more than you know.
Dee, you may be on to something with winter being a form of discipline. Although given the choice, I'd rather just take the spanking and be done with it! (does that sound like complaining??)
The thing about going to a new church is that it can take quite a while for people to really know you...i mean, REALLY know you. That's kinda where I'm at. :) I happen to be one of the worst at speaking before I think! So Charity, I totally appreciate everything you've shared here, and I understand! Like Kati said, praise God for the gift of His Grace!
I think it's important to share with each other in areas where we are feeling discouraged, but there IS a fine line between that and complaining. It just takes lots of prayer.
Thank you for sharing and I hope I can be an encouragement to you young moms!
You already have been, Margaret! :)
Well, Sweetie, you get a spirit of negativity or criticism honestly from both sides of our family and from just being human. If God inhabits the praise of His people, and if He sent the singers (praisers) in front of the armies of God, then our enemy knows this and when he gets us to whine, complain, and be negative, we are defeated instead of allowing God to work. We tie His hands, so to speak, in our lives. You CAN break generational sins...keep praising!
Oh for crying out loud. There was absolutely no negativity in your words, Charity. You were honest. Heaven forbid the pastor's wife be honest and yearn for spring. I really hope we can forgive you for that one. Now everyone knows I'm the sarcastic one, but really. You are way too hard on yourself.
Sarah
I used to feel the same way so often...why couldnt i just be happy with my great life and appreciate things? Sadly, for me it took getting in a car accident to make me realize how big a gift every day is...though i still must admit i still catch myself complaining more than i should...mostly "i just cant wait till i can walk!"
Sarah, I'm not saying it's wrong for me or anyone else to look forward to spring. The problem is that I sometimes (often) have a complaining spirit. Instead of enjoying each day as it comes, and appreciating the gifts I've been handed, I choose to focus on the negative aspects of my life. No matter what the circumstances, there is so much to be grateful for, and I don't want to waste breath complaining. It's just one thing God's been bringing to my attention lately.
and Marissa, i have you to thank for realizing what a gift it is to be able to use both legs and shower in less than an hour! ;)
I've never known you to be a negative or complaining person is all I'm saying and it really doesn't sound like your two little comments qualify. But that must just be me thinking you are too hard on yourself. God loves you just the way you are...complaints and all.
the sis
This sis has to agree with the other sis. You are way too hard on yourself Charity.
But, you may need to watch yourself at church being the pastor's wife and all. We all know that especially pastor's wives have to be non complaining/non honest at church. But seriously, if that was how you felt at the moment, then why not be honest about it.
You are one of the most non complaining people I know.
I can't wait for spring, and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it.
This sis has to agree with the other sis. You are way too hard on yourself Charity.
But, you may need to watch yourself at church being the pastor's wife and all. We all know that especially pastor's wives have to be non complaining/non honest at church. But seriously, if that was how you felt at the moment, then why not be honest about it.
You are one of the most non complaining people I know.
I also think it's hilarious that all your "followers" always agree with you.
I can't wait for spring, and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it.
i love both my sister in laws, but i have to state, sin is sin.
personally, i am thrilled and blessed by my wife's pursuit of holiness. she does not compare herself to other people's standards, but considers the Lord's standards...and trusts that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it on to completion.
while charity is quite possibly the most gracious, thankful, God-honoring woman alive, one reason this is so is that she is regularly applying the gospel to her life. when she sins, she confesses it as sin and then trust in a righteous and just God who forgives her.
in an ironic twist, the only people i see being too hard on her are her own sisters. granted, it's a weird, distorted pietism you are claiming, but your comments both make it appear that you have achieved a level of liberation she has not.
i can tell you that i am blessed beyond measure to have charity as my wife, but i can also tell you i don't appreciate the gift that she is like i should. that is simply understanding the Biblical perspective of battling the flesh. but oh that He might create in me a greater appreciation for His abundant grace.
(and by the way, the women who have supported her on this post are not "followers," but God glorifying gracious women as well. i'm blessed to have them in our congregation.)
The closer we are to the Light, the more we see the dirt. The closer we are to Christ, the more we see ourselves as unworthy and the sin in our lives is magnified by that closeness.
I am not saying that Charity is closer to the Lord than you 2 dear daughters. God deals with us each at different times and in different ways. He is dealing with me on issues that you might not understand. Same with Charity, same with you, same with each believer.
Charity, I TOTALLy understand. There are times when what He is dealing with me on would make many say, "Huh?" if I shared it. I love you, all 3 of you! It is also nice to know that you 'girls' think so much of each other.
danny - i love hearing my pastor talk about his wife that way!
and charity is about as transparent as they come. her honesty is refreshing, and i do hope she feels safe (at least most of the time with most of the congregation) knowing that we don't judge her when she risks being so honest. none of us who know her and love her expect perfection. but, on the other hand, she really does demonstrates excellent leadership for one so young.
Charity~ thank you for your honesty.
We know that it is the Lord that tests the motives of our hearts and reveals them to us. I just have to think that if you portrayed yourself as a "perfect woman", then I could no longer relate to you. And by the way, sorry to disappoint you, :} , but I do not follow you, I follow Christ. But I do love you, and I hope that my words are an encouragement, a blessing, but accountable~ when necessary. (and you know I will) :}
Oh man, I'm getting all choked up . . . words cannot describe how grateful I am for friends who challenge me and hold me accountable . . . and don't expect perfection. Thank you!
and I'm thinking that from now on, maybe I'll stick to picture posts and family updates. :) :)
Amen, sister!!! God is dealing with my attitude towards.....well....everything! I am so thankful that like Danny said on Sunday morning, Jesus's sacrific is sufficient for us to come to Him and come to Him again and again.... Thank you and praise you Father God!! linda g
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