This is one of those times when blogging falls short. . . knowing all of my ramblings are pretty much public domain restricts my writing to certain topics. And while I really enjoy sharing pictures of my kids and writing about family goings-on, and giving an occasional unasked-for opinion, I am not now, and have not been for several days, in the frame of mind for any of the above.
God has been digging down into the recesses of my heart lately, and what He's unearthed . . . well, it's not pretty. I'm just sort of processing things He's brought to my attention and feeling intense conviction in several specific areas, mostly about attitudes, which of course, reveal themselves in the words and actions that spew forth.
And so, since this is one of those rare afternoons where the younger three are all napping peacefully at the same time, I am going to immerse myself in I John for a while. Contemplate. Ruminate. Pray like crazy. Try not to flinch too much from the chipping-away of stupid stuff I hang on to for dear life.
It's a good day.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Lousy Motherhood 101
It's been an interesting couple of days.
Yesterday (a Monday, of course) began with Kari Bou pushing Zekers down the stairs, resulting in a large knot on the back of his head and a chipped front tooth. Now, if anyone knows how to milk an injury, it's Zekers. Generally, when he so much as coughs, he is convinced he's deathly ill and needs to lay around taking medicine all day.
So, tender and compassionate mother that I am, I tended to him for a while, and then pretty much told him to suck it up and get on with his day.
As the day wore on, he continued to whine and cry and say he felt sick. He took over an hour to eat half a grilled cheese sandwich and laid around on the couch acting pathetic. I just assumed he was pulling his usual stunts, made him finish his lunch and scolded him for overdramatization of his earlier injuries.
When he woke up from his nap (the fact that he actually slept should have clued me in), he felt warm so I finally took his temp. It was 102.2, and climbed to 102.8 by evening. By then he was nearly comatose and I felt like pond scum.
So this morning, Rach must have asked a dozen times to have her temp taken. Since she seemed fine, and also has a penchant for being a drama queen, I figured she just couldn't handle her brother getting more attention than she was getting. Around lunch time, I caved, thinking it would at least help me to know what her normal temp is.
You guessed it - she has a fever now, too. Oops.
As for Kari Bou, she is healthy as a horse (except for an occasional cough), and continues to beat on the others, in spite of numerous spankings. I have a feeling most parents would agree with me that days full of spankings are just lousy . . . necessary but lousy.
The way things are going, in several hours I will probably discover that Kari Bou has a fever as well. All that's left to do now is to almost leave Malachi at church the next time we take the kids to AWANA. Oh, wait, I just did that . . .
Yesterday (a Monday, of course) began with Kari Bou pushing Zekers down the stairs, resulting in a large knot on the back of his head and a chipped front tooth. Now, if anyone knows how to milk an injury, it's Zekers. Generally, when he so much as coughs, he is convinced he's deathly ill and needs to lay around taking medicine all day.
So, tender and compassionate mother that I am, I tended to him for a while, and then pretty much told him to suck it up and get on with his day.
As the day wore on, he continued to whine and cry and say he felt sick. He took over an hour to eat half a grilled cheese sandwich and laid around on the couch acting pathetic. I just assumed he was pulling his usual stunts, made him finish his lunch and scolded him for overdramatization of his earlier injuries.
When he woke up from his nap (the fact that he actually slept should have clued me in), he felt warm so I finally took his temp. It was 102.2, and climbed to 102.8 by evening. By then he was nearly comatose and I felt like pond scum.
So this morning, Rach must have asked a dozen times to have her temp taken. Since she seemed fine, and also has a penchant for being a drama queen, I figured she just couldn't handle her brother getting more attention than she was getting. Around lunch time, I caved, thinking it would at least help me to know what her normal temp is.
You guessed it - she has a fever now, too. Oops.
As for Kari Bou, she is healthy as a horse (except for an occasional cough), and continues to beat on the others, in spite of numerous spankings. I have a feeling most parents would agree with me that days full of spankings are just lousy . . . necessary but lousy.
The way things are going, in several hours I will probably discover that Kari Bou has a fever as well. All that's left to do now is to almost leave Malachi at church the next time we take the kids to AWANA. Oh, wait, I just did that . . .
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Random Ramblings, Facts and Photos
I could just kiss this wonderful piece of plastic that has revolutionized my life this week. After Malachi sat in it for 20 minutes on Sunday while I took a shower, I actually did kiss it . . . and then realized it needed a good cleaning after sitting up in the attic for 2 years! Zekers and Rach spent a significant amount of time this morning fighting, because Zekers kept threatening to tape his neck to Rachel's eyebrows.
Someone got us a tin of Williams-Sonoma mint hot chocolate (the kind where you whisk real chocolate shavings into a saucepan of barely-bubbling milk), and Danny and I fell in love at first cup. I cannot believe that now I am actually toying with the idea of spending more for another tin of the stuff (which makes 10 cups), than I would normally spend on a nice pair of jeans.
I have just completed 200 posts - this is number 201! I was hoping to finish 200 posts by the end of December, but what can I say? I'm a slacker.
After about a week of Malachi waking up every 2-3 hours during the night, we've been experimenting with his bedtime feeding. Last night we gave him a combination of 7 oz. breast milk and formula with 4 tablespoons of rice cereal mixed in at 10:30. It held him over until 5:30am. I'm thinking this may be a winner . . .
I can't stand the first few weeks of American Idol. It's nothing but a freak show with a bunch of people who will do and say anything to be on TV. Call me crazy, but I've just never really enjoyed watching people make fools of themselves on national television; not to mention that it's generally pretty hard on the ears. Now, the last 8 weeks, you won't be able to tear me away from the show. (I should mention that my loving husband feels the exact opposite - so guess what I've been watching the past couple of nights? Even when I try to do something else, there's just no drowning out the sound.)
Last night while I was feeding Malachi and Danny was running Rach & Zekers to AWANA, Kari Bou decided to grab my favorite lipstick and do all kinds of artwork in the bathroom. This was about 15 minutes before LIFE group was supposed to meet - at our house!
And now, some random photos:
Friday, January 11, 2008
Taking Tattling to a Whole New Level
When Rachel informed her Sunday School teacher 2 years ago that Danny and I spank her because we think it's fun, I pretty much figured we may have an interesting go of it during her early school years. This week, my fears have been confirmed.
About once each week, Rachel's kindergarten teacher sends home little books with her to help with practicing sight words and reading. I keep these in a box in the closet, all together, so they are readily available and to prevent the other munchkins from scattering them around the house.
Tuesday, to my extreme chagrin, Rachel says to me, "Mom, Mrs. B told us today that we need to be working on the books she sent home, but I told her you hide them from me."
"What!? Why on earth would you say that?"
"Because I don't know where they are."
At this point it had been several weeks since we had worked on those particular books, since Rach received a beginning reading book for Christmas and I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Apparently, to her this meant we were furtively sneaking her books off to some secret hiding place in the hope that she'll never learn to read.
But this one takes the cake.
Her teacher is wonderful about sending home papers with Rach nearly every day - poems, songs and activities that they work on in class. She also brings back completed homework, proudly displaying the stickers she's earned, and information about everything from school policy to fire safety. Needless to say, we'd easily fill an entire filing cabinet with all the papers. So, when she brings home a song her class sang that is unfamiliar to me, sometimes I . .. . well, I pitch it. I usually try to throw something in on top of these papers to cover my tracks and prevent meltdowns.
Tragically, I slipped up a few days ago (I believe it was the day after the aforementioned incident), got distracted by someone screaming for my boobs, and hurriedly threw the papers in the trash without covering them up. Well, you can just imagine the hysterical scene that followed when Rachel, who I'm convinced has some kind of radar for these things, discovered the papers, with splotches of soup on them, in the trash can. Many tears and rantings inevitably followed, but we finally got her calmed down and out the door for AWANA.
Of course, she informed us the very next day, with all the righteous indignation of a 5-year-old, "I told Mrs. B that you threw her songs away."
"And just how long did it take you to relay this information?" I inquired.
"Oh, I told her as soon as I got to class."
I think I might just call in sick for our next parent-teacher conference.
About once each week, Rachel's kindergarten teacher sends home little books with her to help with practicing sight words and reading. I keep these in a box in the closet, all together, so they are readily available and to prevent the other munchkins from scattering them around the house.
Tuesday, to my extreme chagrin, Rachel says to me, "Mom, Mrs. B told us today that we need to be working on the books she sent home, but I told her you hide them from me."
"What!? Why on earth would you say that?"
"Because I don't know where they are."
At this point it had been several weeks since we had worked on those particular books, since Rach received a beginning reading book for Christmas and I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Apparently, to her this meant we were furtively sneaking her books off to some secret hiding place in the hope that she'll never learn to read.
But this one takes the cake.
Her teacher is wonderful about sending home papers with Rach nearly every day - poems, songs and activities that they work on in class. She also brings back completed homework, proudly displaying the stickers she's earned, and information about everything from school policy to fire safety. Needless to say, we'd easily fill an entire filing cabinet with all the papers. So, when she brings home a song her class sang that is unfamiliar to me, sometimes I . .. . well, I pitch it. I usually try to throw something in on top of these papers to cover my tracks and prevent meltdowns.
Tragically, I slipped up a few days ago (I believe it was the day after the aforementioned incident), got distracted by someone screaming for my boobs, and hurriedly threw the papers in the trash without covering them up. Well, you can just imagine the hysterical scene that followed when Rachel, who I'm convinced has some kind of radar for these things, discovered the papers, with splotches of soup on them, in the trash can. Many tears and rantings inevitably followed, but we finally got her calmed down and out the door for AWANA.
Of course, she informed us the very next day, with all the righteous indignation of a 5-year-old, "I told Mrs. B that you threw her songs away."
"And just how long did it take you to relay this information?" I inquired.
"Oh, I told her as soon as I got to class."
I think I might just call in sick for our next parent-teacher conference.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Book Review: When Sinners Say "I Do"
This is the last book review (for a while) - I promise! The 2 in the below entry are just brief synopses of a couple of other marriage books I've recently read, for whoever is interested.
And now . . . the book I've been chomping at the bit to review ever since I read it!
When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey
When I finished the last sentence on the last page of this book (actually, long before that), I felt like shouting a hearty "Yes!" I could easily fill 5 different posts with quotes by this author, except that I'd run out of time and you'd run out of patience. I read things that I (sadly) would never expect to read in a marriage book - things I've never come across in any other marriage book or study (and I've read and participated in lots of them). I'll try and lay out some of the key concepts:
Right out of the gate, the author states his premise: "What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage" (p. 20), and "How a husband and wife build their marriage day-by-day and year-by-year is fundamentally shaped by their theology" (p. 21). He explains that what we believe about God and living for God equals our theology; so in other words, a theologian isn't just some smart old guy who lives with his nose buried in books - each one of us is a theologian. The way we speak to and act around one another reveals the basic assumptions of our worldview, or theology.
On p. 23, he goes on to say that "It's a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it's based on something completely apart from your marriage: God's truth . . . "
DH explains that the focus of marriage is the glory of God: "Marriage is for our good; but it is first for God's glory" (p. 25). He lays out marriage as a picture of Christ and the church; then highlights the gospel, and emphasizes the reality of sin. Without a full realization of our sinful nature, we will blindly try to make things work on our own.
He devotes the next 2 chapters to the problem of sin, quoting a pastor named Thomas Watson, who says, "Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet" (p. 30). Every once in a while, I read something that jolts me into actually putting the book down in order for the words to simmer inside my brain (and my heart!) for a while. This was one such occasion.
While it seems a little nuts (or so I thought, at first) to spend this much time on sin in a marriage book, it makes total sense when DH explains it. He goes into the unbiblical expectations husbands and wives have for each other; granting our spouses the same lavish grace that God extends to us; finding true humility in the realization that I am the worst of sinners, and anything I do that isn't sin is simply the grace of God at work in me. I must come to see that the worst problem in my marriage is me!
He describes sin as a battle - not husband versus wife, but the desires of the flesh versus the desires of the Spirit (p. 48). He says, "Sin would have us see God as accountable to us for our wants . . . some magical genie whose only job is to make right whatever is currently bugging us . . . " (p. 55). But he ends the segment on sin with the words, "Even our conflicts have redemptive possibilities because the war with sin is won in Christ, by the grace and power of our Sovereign God" (58).
He addresses the desire to "fix" our spouses, spelling out truth from Matthew 7:3-5 about removing the log from our own eye before reaching for the speck in our brother's eye. The inspection must begin with me; it's the only sin I can directly change. He says, "To try to justify ourselves is to deny our guilt before God" (p. 69). We must also admit that our circumstances - and our reactions to them - only serve to reveal the sin that's already inside.
I learned that the source of my ungodly words and attitudes toward my husband is not unmet needs, but unsatisfied desires. DH spells out the difference between a genuine need and a "need" invented by a self-indulgent culture; the sin is not in the desire itself, but in how much I want it.
Chapters 6 & 7 are absolutely wonderful - all about mercy and grace and forgiveness. He explains that forgiveness flows through a pipe with three valves: repentance and a request for forgiveness; mercy; and a willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. Ultimately, "Forgiven sinners forgive sin" (p. 108).
He talks about how to biblically handle confrontation for sin in a spouse's life, saying that "the goal for a surgical conversation is not simply to smooth things over; it is to care for our soul mate and ultimately to connect him or her to God" (p.131). He discusses "stubborn grace" - the power to renounce the old; the power to live; the power to wait; and the power to want. "When a spouse communicates grace, we move beyond mistakes and the journey becomes enjoyable" (p. 150).
Then, of course, there's the necessary chapter on sex! DH has a really great take on the subject, saying that techniques and new ideas can be great, but sexual problems in a marriage are rooted in the heart, citing sloth, bitterness and unbelief as three primary culprits. He concludes by saying that "romance must be practiced, like an art" (p. 167).
When I saw the title of the last chapter, I almost put the book down and decided I was finished. "When Sinners Say Good-bye" just didn't seem a relevant topic for me at this point in my life. Boy, was I mistaken! I would go so far as to say this may have been the best chapter of all. He talks about God's calling for Christians to die well . . . "whether, through sanctification, our souls are prepared for the ultimate reality of death" (p. 170). We are to assist in the process of preparing one another's souls for eternity! What an incredible honor and weighty responsibility. He talks about dealing with grief when a spouse passes away - not withdrawing in self-pity, but realizing that our race is not yet over and there are so many ways the grieving spouse can be used by God, and how even a heavy loss is light and momentary in light of eternity. Such a loss can actually produce glory in us.
Final Analysis
Read this book!! It is challenging, convicting and thought-provoking. It is extremely well-written. The author is direct, yet gracious, often using humorous illustrations that make the content more palatable. After reading probably a dozen books on this topic, I've finally found one that goes the distance, penetrating to the very heart of marriage: the gospel and the glory of God.
And now . . . the book I've been chomping at the bit to review ever since I read it!
When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey
When I finished the last sentence on the last page of this book (actually, long before that), I felt like shouting a hearty "Yes!" I could easily fill 5 different posts with quotes by this author, except that I'd run out of time and you'd run out of patience. I read things that I (sadly) would never expect to read in a marriage book - things I've never come across in any other marriage book or study (and I've read and participated in lots of them). I'll try and lay out some of the key concepts:
Right out of the gate, the author states his premise: "What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage" (p. 20), and "How a husband and wife build their marriage day-by-day and year-by-year is fundamentally shaped by their theology" (p. 21). He explains that what we believe about God and living for God equals our theology; so in other words, a theologian isn't just some smart old guy who lives with his nose buried in books - each one of us is a theologian. The way we speak to and act around one another reveals the basic assumptions of our worldview, or theology.
On p. 23, he goes on to say that "It's a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it's based on something completely apart from your marriage: God's truth . . . "
DH explains that the focus of marriage is the glory of God: "Marriage is for our good; but it is first for God's glory" (p. 25). He lays out marriage as a picture of Christ and the church; then highlights the gospel, and emphasizes the reality of sin. Without a full realization of our sinful nature, we will blindly try to make things work on our own.
He devotes the next 2 chapters to the problem of sin, quoting a pastor named Thomas Watson, who says, "Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet" (p. 30). Every once in a while, I read something that jolts me into actually putting the book down in order for the words to simmer inside my brain (and my heart!) for a while. This was one such occasion.
While it seems a little nuts (or so I thought, at first) to spend this much time on sin in a marriage book, it makes total sense when DH explains it. He goes into the unbiblical expectations husbands and wives have for each other; granting our spouses the same lavish grace that God extends to us; finding true humility in the realization that I am the worst of sinners, and anything I do that isn't sin is simply the grace of God at work in me. I must come to see that the worst problem in my marriage is me!
He describes sin as a battle - not husband versus wife, but the desires of the flesh versus the desires of the Spirit (p. 48). He says, "Sin would have us see God as accountable to us for our wants . . . some magical genie whose only job is to make right whatever is currently bugging us . . . " (p. 55). But he ends the segment on sin with the words, "Even our conflicts have redemptive possibilities because the war with sin is won in Christ, by the grace and power of our Sovereign God" (58).
He addresses the desire to "fix" our spouses, spelling out truth from Matthew 7:3-5 about removing the log from our own eye before reaching for the speck in our brother's eye. The inspection must begin with me; it's the only sin I can directly change. He says, "To try to justify ourselves is to deny our guilt before God" (p. 69). We must also admit that our circumstances - and our reactions to them - only serve to reveal the sin that's already inside.
I learned that the source of my ungodly words and attitudes toward my husband is not unmet needs, but unsatisfied desires. DH spells out the difference between a genuine need and a "need" invented by a self-indulgent culture; the sin is not in the desire itself, but in how much I want it.
Chapters 6 & 7 are absolutely wonderful - all about mercy and grace and forgiveness. He explains that forgiveness flows through a pipe with three valves: repentance and a request for forgiveness; mercy; and a willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. Ultimately, "Forgiven sinners forgive sin" (p. 108).
He talks about how to biblically handle confrontation for sin in a spouse's life, saying that "the goal for a surgical conversation is not simply to smooth things over; it is to care for our soul mate and ultimately to connect him or her to God" (p.131). He discusses "stubborn grace" - the power to renounce the old; the power to live; the power to wait; and the power to want. "When a spouse communicates grace, we move beyond mistakes and the journey becomes enjoyable" (p. 150).
Then, of course, there's the necessary chapter on sex! DH has a really great take on the subject, saying that techniques and new ideas can be great, but sexual problems in a marriage are rooted in the heart, citing sloth, bitterness and unbelief as three primary culprits. He concludes by saying that "romance must be practiced, like an art" (p. 167).
When I saw the title of the last chapter, I almost put the book down and decided I was finished. "When Sinners Say Good-bye" just didn't seem a relevant topic for me at this point in my life. Boy, was I mistaken! I would go so far as to say this may have been the best chapter of all. He talks about God's calling for Christians to die well . . . "whether, through sanctification, our souls are prepared for the ultimate reality of death" (p. 170). We are to assist in the process of preparing one another's souls for eternity! What an incredible honor and weighty responsibility. He talks about dealing with grief when a spouse passes away - not withdrawing in self-pity, but realizing that our race is not yet over and there are so many ways the grieving spouse can be used by God, and how even a heavy loss is light and momentary in light of eternity. Such a loss can actually produce glory in us.
Final Analysis
Read this book!! It is challenging, convicting and thought-provoking. It is extremely well-written. The author is direct, yet gracious, often using humorous illustrations that make the content more palatable. After reading probably a dozen books on this topic, I've finally found one that goes the distance, penetrating to the very heart of marriage: the gospel and the glory of God.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
A Smattering of Reviews
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
Last summer Danny and I participated in one small-group study on this book, and led another. Here's the short version of my thoughts (as the long version is usually way too scary!):
The premise of the book is taken from Ephesians 5, where men are commanded to give their wives unconditional love, and women are commanded to give their husbands unconditional respect. Eggerichs primarily emphasizes the importance of respect throughout, encouraging wives that when husbands feel honored, they are more likely to reciprocate with love.
The entire first section could have easily been condensed into one chapter. It was very repetitive. And repeated the same concepts. Over and over again. The author lays out some of the differences in communication between men and women, pointing out how easy it is for wives to unintentionally cut down husbands by many of the seemingly harmless comments we make.
I enjoyed the sections "For Men Only" and "For Women Only", where Eggerichs goes into greater detail about the needs of women and men, respectively. This part was a real eye-opener for me. I never realized, for instance, just how important it is for Danny to be assured of both my respect and my gratitude. He also lays out concepts like "shoulder to shoulder" time, explaining that it means a great deal to a man just to know his wife is in the same room with him enjoying a game, and talking is not even necessary!
Overall it was a decent book - practical and interesting to read (although quite repetitive - did I already say that??). But if you're looking for a marriage book that emphasizes Christ and the gospel, this book is sure to disappoint. The concluding section is the best one in this regard; but the book as a whole was definitely written more from a psychological, as opposed to a theological, standpoint. Although it was built around Ephesians 5:33, it failed to discuss the verse's context, where Paul sets forth marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. While much of the author's advice can benefit a marriage relationship, I just felt Eggerichs didn't quite go deep enough. As in Debi Pearl's book, it focused primarily on outward behaviors rather than heart issues.
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace
I had the privilege to participate in a women's study on this book, and found the content to be solid gold. Martha Peace tackles tough issues, such as confronting a spouse on sin; submission; how to respond in a godly way to an unbelieving spouse; and spousal abuse, even going into the legal action a wife can take in such a situation.
She doesn't take it easy on the reader. This book is convicting and thought-provoking, with a wealth of practical application. However, it is not well-written. I felt that MP could have benefited from a good editor. And, perhaps for this reason, it was also rather abrasive. After a while, I started counting all the times I read the words "You must repent!" in each chapter. While I didn't necessarily disagree with this diagnosis - any positive change in my marriage must begin with a change of heart - the way she wrote was a bit of a turn-off. I so appreciated her biblical approach; however, I have read books by other authors who are just as biblical and much more gracious.
Last summer Danny and I participated in one small-group study on this book, and led another. Here's the short version of my thoughts (as the long version is usually way too scary!):
The premise of the book is taken from Ephesians 5, where men are commanded to give their wives unconditional love, and women are commanded to give their husbands unconditional respect. Eggerichs primarily emphasizes the importance of respect throughout, encouraging wives that when husbands feel honored, they are more likely to reciprocate with love.
The entire first section could have easily been condensed into one chapter. It was very repetitive. And repeated the same concepts. Over and over again. The author lays out some of the differences in communication between men and women, pointing out how easy it is for wives to unintentionally cut down husbands by many of the seemingly harmless comments we make.
I enjoyed the sections "For Men Only" and "For Women Only", where Eggerichs goes into greater detail about the needs of women and men, respectively. This part was a real eye-opener for me. I never realized, for instance, just how important it is for Danny to be assured of both my respect and my gratitude. He also lays out concepts like "shoulder to shoulder" time, explaining that it means a great deal to a man just to know his wife is in the same room with him enjoying a game, and talking is not even necessary!
Overall it was a decent book - practical and interesting to read (although quite repetitive - did I already say that??). But if you're looking for a marriage book that emphasizes Christ and the gospel, this book is sure to disappoint. The concluding section is the best one in this regard; but the book as a whole was definitely written more from a psychological, as opposed to a theological, standpoint. Although it was built around Ephesians 5:33, it failed to discuss the verse's context, where Paul sets forth marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. While much of the author's advice can benefit a marriage relationship, I just felt Eggerichs didn't quite go deep enough. As in Debi Pearl's book, it focused primarily on outward behaviors rather than heart issues.
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace
I had the privilege to participate in a women's study on this book, and found the content to be solid gold. Martha Peace tackles tough issues, such as confronting a spouse on sin; submission; how to respond in a godly way to an unbelieving spouse; and spousal abuse, even going into the legal action a wife can take in such a situation.
She doesn't take it easy on the reader. This book is convicting and thought-provoking, with a wealth of practical application. However, it is not well-written. I felt that MP could have benefited from a good editor. And, perhaps for this reason, it was also rather abrasive. After a while, I started counting all the times I read the words "You must repent!" in each chapter. While I didn't necessarily disagree with this diagnosis - any positive change in my marriage must begin with a change of heart - the way she wrote was a bit of a turn-off. I so appreciated her biblical approach; however, I have read books by other authors who are just as biblical and much more gracious.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Book Review: Created to be his Help Meet
Book reviews and I have a love-hate relationship. When it comes down to it, I thoroughly enjoy reading and reviewing various books; however, this takes a lot of time that I no longer have, and can be a little tricky if a good friend has recommended a book to me that I end up not being able to wholeheartedly endorse.
That being said, I've decided to review 2 marriage books I recently finished reading - first, because a friend asked me to (Thanks a lot, Tarah!), and because I have had very little success finding a truly good book on this topic in the past. This post will consist of a review on Debi Pearl's Created to be His Help Meet, and in the next I will give my thoughts on Dave Harvey's When Sinners Say "I Do".
I welcome any feedback, whether agreement, disagreement or questions. I'm not beyond occasionally misunderstanding a point an author is trying to make, so if you feel this has been the case, feel free to call me on it!
Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl
What I liked
The book is divided into 2 sections; the first discusses the "help meet" idea. I appreciate and ultimately agree with the author's take on a wife's role in marriage: She describes our position as a divine calling and says, "You were created to make him (your husband) complete; not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him (p.21).
DP makes many excellent points in chapters 2-4 on the importance of thanksgiving and joy in marriage. She offers ways to "establish a habit of praise" leading to joy, and warns that wives who are lacking in thankfulness are often lacking in joy. She goes on to say that joy / contentment are not a product of circumstances, but a choice we must make and intentionally practice on a daily basis.
Several chapters are devoted to wisdom; chapter 8 goes into great detail on having the wisdom to understand your man, describing 3 different kinds of husbands (Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, and Mr. Steady). DP lays out what drives each type of man; and what to expect, what to avoid and how best to serve each type.
Chapter 10 makes some very good points about reactions: "Your reactions break you loose from your social inhibitions and manifest who you really are inside and what you really believe at your core level" (p. 101). In the next 2 chapters she covers - Gasp! - the "S" word! I appreciated what she had to say about submission and our role as helper. She states, "We came forth from a man's rib and were created for him . . . Our position in relation to our husband is a picture of the Great Mystery, which is Christ and the church" (p. 118). She goes on to say that women are not prohibited from preaching/having authority over men because they lack the ability. "It is not a question of being qualified; it is a matter of being authorized" (p.119). She describes reverencing one's husband as "not first a feeling; it is a voluntary act" (p. 138).
The second section of the book consists of "8 practical game rules" for wives, based out of Titus 2: "to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, and obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blasphemed."
These chapters offer a wealth of practical ways to live out this verse. The best one, in my opinion, was chapter 16, on the significance of sex in marriage - how feelings often follow a deliberate choice to meet our husbands' needs, and how necessary it is in this area to take joy in bringing pleasure to each other. DP also deals with modesty issues, especially when it comes to the way women dress in church; how important it is to do everything we can to keep from causing our brothers in Christ to stumble.
I was struck by several things in chapter 17, on "loving their children": DP states, "For a mother who loves her children, training is not a chore, it is a full-time, all-consuming passion" (p. 183). She emphasizes the importance of not just keeping one's children fed and clothed, but devoting time to their mental, physical and spiritual training as well.
I'll close with 2 especially thought-provoking quotes on the topics of submission and self-fulfillment:
"Do you let God be God in your life? There will be times when your husband is dead wrong, as was Abraham, and you will need to obey your husband and commit your way to God" (p. 276)
"The Scriptures teach that there is something bigger and more important to God than our happiness. It's not about our happiness; it's about our holiness" (p. 242).
What I didn't like
I found the contents of this book to be quite an odd mixture of good, practical advice, peppered with statements of opinion (without real Scriptural backing) set forth as fact, as well as words that can only be described as harsh and ungracious.
Often, in the midst of agreeing with the contents of a chapter, I was shocked by statements the author made, such as her reply to a woman who wrote that her husband was having an "emotional affair" with a woman at the office. She advises the wife that criticizing and responding negatively to her husband will only destroy the marriage. Instead, she says:
"You must act as if you and the secretary are engaged in open competition for this man . . . you must be more lovely than she. . . Get down on your husband's emotional level, and make yourself more attractive than that office wench. . . Just remember, you are fighting a woman who is in the dime-a-dozen class. . . You can threaten to go down to the office and tell the wench to bug off. Do it if you like; just don't humiliate your man. . . Your very sweetness and thankfulness toward your man will make that cheap office hussy feel she is beneath your class. . . God is on your side. Fight and win" (pp. 30-32).
I can't even begin to deal with all the problems in the above quote. And unfortunately, there are several like it throughout this book. In her discussion on joy, she makes the point that joy makes a person beautiful, then describes one woman who her husband thought was attractive because of her smile and joyful spirit. She says, "The strange thing was that this woman was ugly, I mean, hillbilly ugly, which is worse than regular ugly" (p. 27). She makes her point, but I wasn't a big fan of her word choices, and neither, I assume, is any hillbilly who happens to be reading her book.
I had a difficult time with several elements of this book's contents. First, although DP does give a nod to the fact that marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and the church, she makes many, many statements to the effect that the ultimate motivation to behave in a joyful/wise/prudent manner is to avoid divorce. Several times, in responses to letters from unhappy wives, she paints a picture of the wife, divorced, alone, and destitute - so lonely and exhausted that her only option becomes looking for love in the arms of another woman. She points out that living with a bad husband is better than living with no husband. "Always remember that the day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying to make your marriage heavenly, and it is the first day leading to your divorce proceedings" (p. 32). While this may be an effect of ungodly behavior, I thought she missed the boat by making avoidance of divorce the focus; and instead of encouraging change in a wife's heart, her advice sounded much more like behavior modification to achieve a desirable result.
DP several other times makes mention of good things for wives to do, such as plan ahead to better serve their husbands, but with wrong motivation: " . . . your husband will be proud to know he has a better wife than the other guys at work" (p.148). Is our calling to try to be better than other wives, or to serve our husbands as to the Lord?
DP also mentions that it is not wise for a woman to constantly take advantage of others. Very true. But her reason for avoiding such behavior? "People might tolerate your selfishness, but they will never really like you . . . No one ever really likes a user" (p. 197). Why not take her readers to Matthew 20:28, where Jesus encourages believers to serve others, citing Himself as an example? "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Secondly, DP offers many practical suggestions on how to be a good wife and mother. But statements that are clearly just a matter of opinion or her own interpretation, she often sets forth as fact - without Biblical basis for doing so. She speaks out against having a babysitter watch one's children, citing an example of a missionary couple who left their baby with someone for 10 minutes so the wife could assist with their ministry, and as a result the baby was molested. (pp. 209-210) She calls this "blaspheming God" by ignoring His commands in Scripture to be keepers at home. Maybe I misunderstood her here, and she was simply trying to exhort women to be discerning about the types of babysitters they choose; but I came away with the impression that she believes there is no excuse for moms who use childcare from time to time in order to get a few things done.
This one actually made me laugh out loud! She lists "A Standard Dumb Cluck Test", basically implying that if you take your child to the doctor instead of employing natural healing techniques; vaccinate your children; feed them cold cereal without inspecting the label; or don't know how to check the oil in your car or fix a screen door; then you qualify as a "dumb cluck"! (p. 218). The problem really goes beyond whether I agree or disagree with her on any of these issues; they should be presented as opinion and not Biblical truth.
Lastly, there seems to be a sort of "sweep everything under the rug" mentality. DP gives one page (out of nearly 300) to making an appeal to resolve differences with one's husband. However, it is all based on her personal experience, and not one Scripture passage is used to support her statements. Throughout the rest of the book, her advice seems to be that wives should put on a happy face, do their best to serve their husbands and not criticize them, because the critical wife is headed for divorce. Again, this is not bad advice - Scripture does call us to be joyful despite our circumstances, and to serve our husbands, etc. However, I feel her advice falls short, in that Scripture also calls us to show tough love to one another, and done in a godly way, confrontation becomes necessary when we see sin issues in one another's lives. It should be done with our husband's very best interests at heart - with humility and love (Galations 6:1).
Final analysis
I have never before read anything like this - where a book contains so much good advice, but for so many bad reasons. The author offers a wealth of information on changing behavior, but fails to address the heart issues behind the behavior. And for this reason, I feel the book falls short. Even the subtitle "Discover how God can make your marriage glorious", I feel, misses the mark, which is that the purpose of marriage, and of everything else in life, is ultimately to bring glory to God. It is by the grace of God alone that I am able to serve my husband and children, and for this I am truly grateful.
I think this quote pretty well sums up the message of the book:
"The most important thing a mother will do for her children is to create an atmosphere of peace and joy by deeply loving their daddy and being satisfied with life" (p. 177). Had she replaced the words "with life" with "in Christ", I could wholeheartedly agree.
That being said, I've decided to review 2 marriage books I recently finished reading - first, because a friend asked me to (Thanks a lot, Tarah!), and because I have had very little success finding a truly good book on this topic in the past. This post will consist of a review on Debi Pearl's Created to be His Help Meet, and in the next I will give my thoughts on Dave Harvey's When Sinners Say "I Do".
I welcome any feedback, whether agreement, disagreement or questions. I'm not beyond occasionally misunderstanding a point an author is trying to make, so if you feel this has been the case, feel free to call me on it!
Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl
What I liked
The book is divided into 2 sections; the first discusses the "help meet" idea. I appreciate and ultimately agree with the author's take on a wife's role in marriage: She describes our position as a divine calling and says, "You were created to make him (your husband) complete; not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him (p.21).
DP makes many excellent points in chapters 2-4 on the importance of thanksgiving and joy in marriage. She offers ways to "establish a habit of praise" leading to joy, and warns that wives who are lacking in thankfulness are often lacking in joy. She goes on to say that joy / contentment are not a product of circumstances, but a choice we must make and intentionally practice on a daily basis.
Several chapters are devoted to wisdom; chapter 8 goes into great detail on having the wisdom to understand your man, describing 3 different kinds of husbands (Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, and Mr. Steady). DP lays out what drives each type of man; and what to expect, what to avoid and how best to serve each type.
Chapter 10 makes some very good points about reactions: "Your reactions break you loose from your social inhibitions and manifest who you really are inside and what you really believe at your core level" (p. 101). In the next 2 chapters she covers - Gasp! - the "S" word! I appreciated what she had to say about submission and our role as helper. She states, "We came forth from a man's rib and were created for him . . . Our position in relation to our husband is a picture of the Great Mystery, which is Christ and the church" (p. 118). She goes on to say that women are not prohibited from preaching/having authority over men because they lack the ability. "It is not a question of being qualified; it is a matter of being authorized" (p.119). She describes reverencing one's husband as "not first a feeling; it is a voluntary act" (p. 138).
The second section of the book consists of "8 practical game rules" for wives, based out of Titus 2: "to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, and obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blasphemed."
These chapters offer a wealth of practical ways to live out this verse. The best one, in my opinion, was chapter 16, on the significance of sex in marriage - how feelings often follow a deliberate choice to meet our husbands' needs, and how necessary it is in this area to take joy in bringing pleasure to each other. DP also deals with modesty issues, especially when it comes to the way women dress in church; how important it is to do everything we can to keep from causing our brothers in Christ to stumble.
I was struck by several things in chapter 17, on "loving their children": DP states, "For a mother who loves her children, training is not a chore, it is a full-time, all-consuming passion" (p. 183). She emphasizes the importance of not just keeping one's children fed and clothed, but devoting time to their mental, physical and spiritual training as well.
I'll close with 2 especially thought-provoking quotes on the topics of submission and self-fulfillment:
"Do you let God be God in your life? There will be times when your husband is dead wrong, as was Abraham, and you will need to obey your husband and commit your way to God" (p. 276)
"The Scriptures teach that there is something bigger and more important to God than our happiness. It's not about our happiness; it's about our holiness" (p. 242).
What I didn't like
I found the contents of this book to be quite an odd mixture of good, practical advice, peppered with statements of opinion (without real Scriptural backing) set forth as fact, as well as words that can only be described as harsh and ungracious.
Often, in the midst of agreeing with the contents of a chapter, I was shocked by statements the author made, such as her reply to a woman who wrote that her husband was having an "emotional affair" with a woman at the office. She advises the wife that criticizing and responding negatively to her husband will only destroy the marriage. Instead, she says:
"You must act as if you and the secretary are engaged in open competition for this man . . . you must be more lovely than she. . . Get down on your husband's emotional level, and make yourself more attractive than that office wench. . . Just remember, you are fighting a woman who is in the dime-a-dozen class. . . You can threaten to go down to the office and tell the wench to bug off. Do it if you like; just don't humiliate your man. . . Your very sweetness and thankfulness toward your man will make that cheap office hussy feel she is beneath your class. . . God is on your side. Fight and win" (pp. 30-32).
I can't even begin to deal with all the problems in the above quote. And unfortunately, there are several like it throughout this book. In her discussion on joy, she makes the point that joy makes a person beautiful, then describes one woman who her husband thought was attractive because of her smile and joyful spirit. She says, "The strange thing was that this woman was ugly, I mean, hillbilly ugly, which is worse than regular ugly" (p. 27). She makes her point, but I wasn't a big fan of her word choices, and neither, I assume, is any hillbilly who happens to be reading her book.
I had a difficult time with several elements of this book's contents. First, although DP does give a nod to the fact that marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and the church, she makes many, many statements to the effect that the ultimate motivation to behave in a joyful/wise/prudent manner is to avoid divorce. Several times, in responses to letters from unhappy wives, she paints a picture of the wife, divorced, alone, and destitute - so lonely and exhausted that her only option becomes looking for love in the arms of another woman. She points out that living with a bad husband is better than living with no husband. "Always remember that the day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying to make your marriage heavenly, and it is the first day leading to your divorce proceedings" (p. 32). While this may be an effect of ungodly behavior, I thought she missed the boat by making avoidance of divorce the focus; and instead of encouraging change in a wife's heart, her advice sounded much more like behavior modification to achieve a desirable result.
DP several other times makes mention of good things for wives to do, such as plan ahead to better serve their husbands, but with wrong motivation: " . . . your husband will be proud to know he has a better wife than the other guys at work" (p.148). Is our calling to try to be better than other wives, or to serve our husbands as to the Lord?
DP also mentions that it is not wise for a woman to constantly take advantage of others. Very true. But her reason for avoiding such behavior? "People might tolerate your selfishness, but they will never really like you . . . No one ever really likes a user" (p. 197). Why not take her readers to Matthew 20:28, where Jesus encourages believers to serve others, citing Himself as an example? "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Secondly, DP offers many practical suggestions on how to be a good wife and mother. But statements that are clearly just a matter of opinion or her own interpretation, she often sets forth as fact - without Biblical basis for doing so. She speaks out against having a babysitter watch one's children, citing an example of a missionary couple who left their baby with someone for 10 minutes so the wife could assist with their ministry, and as a result the baby was molested. (pp. 209-210) She calls this "blaspheming God" by ignoring His commands in Scripture to be keepers at home. Maybe I misunderstood her here, and she was simply trying to exhort women to be discerning about the types of babysitters they choose; but I came away with the impression that she believes there is no excuse for moms who use childcare from time to time in order to get a few things done.
This one actually made me laugh out loud! She lists "A Standard Dumb Cluck Test", basically implying that if you take your child to the doctor instead of employing natural healing techniques; vaccinate your children; feed them cold cereal without inspecting the label; or don't know how to check the oil in your car or fix a screen door; then you qualify as a "dumb cluck"! (p. 218). The problem really goes beyond whether I agree or disagree with her on any of these issues; they should be presented as opinion and not Biblical truth.
Lastly, there seems to be a sort of "sweep everything under the rug" mentality. DP gives one page (out of nearly 300) to making an appeal to resolve differences with one's husband. However, it is all based on her personal experience, and not one Scripture passage is used to support her statements. Throughout the rest of the book, her advice seems to be that wives should put on a happy face, do their best to serve their husbands and not criticize them, because the critical wife is headed for divorce. Again, this is not bad advice - Scripture does call us to be joyful despite our circumstances, and to serve our husbands, etc. However, I feel her advice falls short, in that Scripture also calls us to show tough love to one another, and done in a godly way, confrontation becomes necessary when we see sin issues in one another's lives. It should be done with our husband's very best interests at heart - with humility and love (Galations 6:1).
Final analysis
I have never before read anything like this - where a book contains so much good advice, but for so many bad reasons. The author offers a wealth of information on changing behavior, but fails to address the heart issues behind the behavior. And for this reason, I feel the book falls short. Even the subtitle "Discover how God can make your marriage glorious", I feel, misses the mark, which is that the purpose of marriage, and of everything else in life, is ultimately to bring glory to God. It is by the grace of God alone that I am able to serve my husband and children, and for this I am truly grateful.
I think this quote pretty well sums up the message of the book:
"The most important thing a mother will do for her children is to create an atmosphere of peace and joy by deeply loving their daddy and being satisfied with life" (p. 177). Had she replaced the words "with life" with "in Christ", I could wholeheartedly agree.
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