That being said, I've decided to review 2 marriage books I recently finished reading - first, because a friend asked me to (Thanks a lot, Tarah!), and because I have had very little success finding a truly good book on this topic in the past. This post will consist of a review on Debi Pearl's Created to be His Help Meet, and in the next I will give my thoughts on Dave Harvey's When Sinners Say "I Do".
I welcome any feedback, whether agreement, disagreement or questions. I'm not beyond occasionally misunderstanding a point an author is trying to make, so if you feel this has been the case, feel free to call me on it!
Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl
What I liked
The book is divided into 2 sections; the first discusses the "help meet" idea. I appreciate and ultimately agree with the author's take on a wife's role in marriage: She describes our position as a divine calling and says, "You were created to make him (your husband) complete; not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him (p.21).
DP makes many excellent points in chapters 2-4 on the importance of thanksgiving and joy in marriage. She offers ways to "establish a habit of praise" leading to joy, and warns that wives who are lacking in thankfulness are often lacking in joy. She goes on to say that joy / contentment are not a product of circumstances, but a choice we must make and intentionally practice on a daily basis.
Several chapters are devoted to wisdom; chapter 8 goes into great detail on having the wisdom to understand your man, describing 3 different kinds of husbands (Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, and Mr. Steady). DP lays out what drives each type of man; and what to expect, what to avoid and how best to serve each type.
Chapter 10 makes some very good points about reactions: "Your reactions break you loose from your social inhibitions and manifest who you really are inside and what you really believe at your core level" (p. 101). In the next 2 chapters she covers - Gasp! - the "S" word! I appreciated what she had to say about submission and our role as helper. She states, "We came forth from a man's rib and were created for him . . . Our position in relation to our husband is a picture of the Great Mystery, which is Christ and the church" (p. 118). She goes on to say that women are not prohibited from preaching/having authority over men because they lack the ability. "It is not a question of being qualified; it is a matter of being authorized" (p.119). She describes reverencing one's husband as "not first a feeling; it is a voluntary act" (p. 138).
The second section of the book consists of "8 practical game rules" for wives, based out of Titus 2: "to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, and obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blasphemed."
These chapters offer a wealth of practical ways to live out this verse. The best one, in my opinion, was chapter 16, on the significance of sex in marriage - how feelings often follow a deliberate choice to meet our husbands' needs, and how necessary it is in this area to take joy in bringing pleasure to each other. DP also deals with modesty issues, especially when it comes to the way women dress in church; how important it is to do everything we can to keep from causing our brothers in Christ to stumble.
I was struck by several things in chapter 17, on "loving their children": DP states, "For a mother who loves her children, training is not a chore, it is a full-time, all-consuming passion" (p. 183). She emphasizes the importance of not just keeping one's children fed and clothed, but devoting time to their mental, physical and spiritual training as well.
I'll close with 2 especially thought-provoking quotes on the topics of submission and self-fulfillment:
"Do you let God be God in your life? There will be times when your husband is dead wrong, as was Abraham, and you will need to obey your husband and commit your way to God" (p. 276)
"The Scriptures teach that there is something bigger and more important to God than our happiness. It's not about our happiness; it's about our holiness" (p. 242).
What I didn't like
I found the contents of this book to be quite an odd mixture of good, practical advice, peppered with statements of opinion (without real Scriptural backing) set forth as fact, as well as words that can only be described as harsh and ungracious.
Often, in the midst of agreeing with the contents of a chapter, I was shocked by statements the author made, such as her reply to a woman who wrote that her husband was having an "emotional affair" with a woman at the office. She advises the wife that criticizing and responding negatively to her husband will only destroy the marriage. Instead, she says:
"You must act as if you and the secretary are engaged in open competition for this man . . . you must be more lovely than she. . . Get down on your husband's emotional level, and make yourself more attractive than that office wench. . . Just remember, you are fighting a woman who is in the dime-a-dozen class. . . You can threaten to go down to the office and tell the wench to bug off. Do it if you like; just don't humiliate your man. . . Your very sweetness and thankfulness toward your man will make that cheap office hussy feel she is beneath your class. . . God is on your side. Fight and win" (pp. 30-32).
I can't even begin to deal with all the problems in the above quote. And unfortunately, there are several like it throughout this book. In her discussion on joy, she makes the point that joy makes a person beautiful, then describes one woman who her husband thought was attractive because of her smile and joyful spirit. She says, "The strange thing was that this woman was ugly, I mean, hillbilly ugly, which is worse than regular ugly" (p. 27). She makes her point, but I wasn't a big fan of her word choices, and neither, I assume, is any hillbilly who happens to be reading her book.
I had a difficult time with several elements of this book's contents. First, although DP does give a nod to the fact that marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and the church, she makes many, many statements to the effect that the ultimate motivation to behave in a joyful/wise/prudent manner is to avoid divorce. Several times, in responses to letters from unhappy wives, she paints a picture of the wife, divorced, alone, and destitute - so lonely and exhausted that her only option becomes looking for love in the arms of another woman. She points out that living with a bad husband is better than living with no husband. "Always remember that the day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying to make your marriage heavenly, and it is the first day leading to your divorce proceedings" (p. 32). While this may be an effect of ungodly behavior, I thought she missed the boat by making avoidance of divorce the focus; and instead of encouraging change in a wife's heart, her advice sounded much more like behavior modification to achieve a desirable result.
DP several other times makes mention of good things for wives to do, such as plan ahead to better serve their husbands, but with wrong motivation: " . . . your husband will be proud to know he has a better wife than the other guys at work" (p.148). Is our calling to try to be better than other wives, or to serve our husbands as to the Lord?
DP also mentions that it is not wise for a woman to constantly take advantage of others. Very true. But her reason for avoiding such behavior? "People might tolerate your selfishness, but they will never really like you . . . No one ever really likes a user" (p. 197). Why not take her readers to Matthew 20:28, where Jesus encourages believers to serve others, citing Himself as an example? "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Secondly, DP offers many practical suggestions on how to be a good wife and mother. But statements that are clearly just a matter of opinion or her own interpretation, she often sets forth as fact - without Biblical basis for doing so. She speaks out against having a babysitter watch one's children, citing an example of a missionary couple who left their baby with someone for 10 minutes so the wife could assist with their ministry, and as a result the baby was molested. (pp. 209-210) She calls this "blaspheming God" by ignoring His commands in Scripture to be keepers at home. Maybe I misunderstood her here, and she was simply trying to exhort women to be discerning about the types of babysitters they choose; but I came away with the impression that she believes there is no excuse for moms who use childcare from time to time in order to get a few things done.
This one actually made me laugh out loud! She lists "A Standard Dumb Cluck Test", basically implying that if you take your child to the doctor instead of employing natural healing techniques; vaccinate your children; feed them cold cereal without inspecting the label; or don't know how to check the oil in your car or fix a screen door; then you qualify as a "dumb cluck"! (p. 218). The problem really goes beyond whether I agree or disagree with her on any of these issues; they should be presented as opinion and not Biblical truth.
Lastly, there seems to be a sort of "sweep everything under the rug" mentality. DP gives one page (out of nearly 300) to making an appeal to resolve differences with one's husband. However, it is all based on her personal experience, and not one Scripture passage is used to support her statements. Throughout the rest of the book, her advice seems to be that wives should put on a happy face, do their best to serve their husbands and not criticize them, because the critical wife is headed for divorce. Again, this is not bad advice - Scripture does call us to be joyful despite our circumstances, and to serve our husbands, etc. However, I feel her advice falls short, in that Scripture also calls us to show tough love to one another, and done in a godly way, confrontation becomes necessary when we see sin issues in one another's lives. It should be done with our husband's very best interests at heart - with humility and love (Galations 6:1).
Final analysis
I have never before read anything like this - where a book contains so much good advice, but for so many bad reasons. The author offers a wealth of information on changing behavior, but fails to address the heart issues behind the behavior. And for this reason, I feel the book falls short. Even the subtitle "Discover how God can make your marriage glorious", I feel, misses the mark, which is that the purpose of marriage, and of everything else in life, is ultimately to bring glory to God. It is by the grace of God alone that I am able to serve my husband and children, and for this I am truly grateful.
I think this quote pretty well sums up the message of the book:
"The most important thing a mother will do for her children is to create an atmosphere of peace and joy by deeply loving their daddy and being satisfied with life" (p. 177). Had she replaced the words "with life" with "in Christ", I could wholeheartedly agree.
5 comments:
Wow, Charity....thanks! It's so rare I find someone of my acquaintance who has actually read it. I take my hat off to your ability to write such an organized review of the books you read! I too love to read, but don't do near as well at thoroughly reviewing them. I tend to blab about the one thing I loved about it or the one thing I didn't.
Anyway, I totally agree with your opinion on this one. I felt it was a good book for me to read b/c it did challenge me in a couple areas where I need some work. But I did notice the problem with some of the reasoning...as well as the unnecessarily harsh stands on inexplicable things. Thus, I am slow to recommend it.
I'm looking forward to your next review....haven't read that one. Have you ever read "Sacred Marriage"? Our staff wives group read that last year, and I think it's my current favorite. Although, I'm not sure there really a perfect marriage book out there? Just like there are no perfect marriages! :)
I'm not sure, but from what you shared, this sure smacks of "The Total Woman," the book that was the rage in the 70's. It sent a lot of women into depression because we just could not measure up. Oh, and by the way, doesn't our husband have any responsibility for his wrong emotional focus? Is it all up to the 'little woman?' It sounds like the whole success of the marriage is up to the wife. So if my marriage failed, it is my fault, not my husbands? It almost sounds like she is subservient and he is king. What about "love your wife as Christ loved the Church?" Maybe I misunderstood. This is so confusing! mm
Tarah - I agree; I haven't read "Sacred Marriage", but maybe I need to check it out. :-) I think you're right - there probably is no perfect marriage book out there, although there are a few I've found that are much better than others! I'm going to try to give a much more brief synopsis of several other marriage books I've read this year in my next post. (i get WAY too wordy with this stuff sometimes) Thanks for reading.
Mom - what i had a hard time with was that the book talked a lot about doing the right things, but didn't place much emphasis on a relationship with Christ - the heart behind the actions. It was written for women on our role in marriage; i think her point was primarily to encourage women that honoring our husbands is what God calls us to do, even if they don't act honorably. The only person I have control over (some of the time!) is myself, and by serving my husband I am ultimately serving God.
I can see why women would get depressed about a book that tells them to do more and try harder, but doesn't emphasize the fact that the only way we can do the right thing is by God's grace and in HIS strength. Praise God, I can't do any of this on my own and fall sadly short - but I can cling to the promise that "He who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus!" (that's the part i wish DP would have focused on a little more!)
is the Total Woman anything like the Bionic Woman?? :-)
WHO recommended this book to you????
Maybe you should just write a book yourself, that might be the perfect book!
I have read this book; although I felt like there was really good practical advice, I came away with the feeling that Debi is an enabler to a boorish jerk of a husband who does not honor his wife as a fellow heir of the grace of life (1Pet.3:7). I've also made the statement that if Debi can honor her husband, than anyone can. Thanks for all your reviews; I thoroughly enjoy them.
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