Book Review: When Sinners Say "I Do"

This is the last book review (for a while) - I promise! The 2 in the below entry are just brief synopses of a couple of other marriage books I've recently read, for whoever is interested.

And now . . . the book I've been chomping at the bit to review ever since I read it!

When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey

When I finished the last sentence on the last page of this book (actually, long before that), I felt like shouting a hearty "Yes!" I could easily fill 5 different posts with quotes by this author, except that I'd run out of time and you'd run out of patience. I read things that I (sadly) would never expect to read in a marriage book - things I've never come across in any other marriage book or study (and I've read and participated in lots of them). I'll try and lay out some of the key concepts:

Right out of the gate, the author states his premise: "What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage" (p. 20), and "How a husband and wife build their marriage day-by-day and year-by-year is fundamentally shaped by their theology" (p. 21). He explains that what we believe about God and living for God equals our theology; so in other words, a theologian isn't just some smart old guy who lives with his nose buried in books - each one of us is a theologian. The way we speak to and act around one another reveals the basic assumptions of our worldview, or theology.

On p. 23, he goes on to say that "It's a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it's based on something completely apart from your marriage: God's truth . . . "

DH explains that the focus of marriage is the glory of God: "Marriage is for our good; but it is first for God's glory" (p. 25). He lays out marriage as a picture of Christ and the church; then highlights the gospel, and emphasizes the reality of sin. Without a full realization of our sinful nature, we will blindly try to make things work on our own.

He devotes the next 2 chapters to the problem of sin, quoting a pastor named Thomas Watson, who says, "Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet" (p. 30). Every once in a while, I read something that jolts me into actually putting the book down in order for the words to simmer inside my brain (and my heart!) for a while. This was one such occasion.

While it seems a little nuts (or so I thought, at first) to spend this much time on sin in a marriage book, it makes total sense when DH explains it. He goes into the unbiblical expectations husbands and wives have for each other; granting our spouses the same lavish grace that God extends to us; finding true humility in the realization that I am the worst of sinners, and anything I do that isn't sin is simply the grace of God at work in me. I must come to see that the worst problem in my marriage is me!

He describes sin as a battle - not husband versus wife, but the desires of the flesh versus the desires of the Spirit (p. 48). He says, "Sin would have us see God as accountable to us for our wants . . . some magical genie whose only job is to make right whatever is currently bugging us . . . " (p. 55). But he ends the segment on sin with the words, "Even our conflicts have redemptive possibilities because the war with sin is won in Christ, by the grace and power of our Sovereign God" (58).

He addresses the desire to "fix" our spouses, spelling out truth from Matthew 7:3-5 about removing the log from our own eye before reaching for the speck in our brother's eye. The inspection must begin with me; it's the only sin I can directly change. He says, "To try to justify ourselves is to deny our guilt before God" (p. 69). We must also admit that our circumstances - and our reactions to them - only serve to reveal the sin that's already inside.

I learned that the source of my ungodly words and attitudes toward my husband is not unmet needs, but unsatisfied desires. DH spells out the difference between a genuine need and a "need" invented by a self-indulgent culture; the sin is not in the desire itself, but in how much I want it.

Chapters 6 & 7 are absolutely wonderful - all about mercy and grace and forgiveness. He explains that forgiveness flows through a pipe with three valves: repentance and a request for forgiveness; mercy; and a willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. Ultimately, "Forgiven sinners forgive sin" (p. 108).

He talks about how to biblically handle confrontation for sin in a spouse's life, saying that "the goal for a surgical conversation is not simply to smooth things over; it is to care for our soul mate and ultimately to connect him or her to God" (p.131). He discusses "stubborn grace" - the power to renounce the old; the power to live; the power to wait; and the power to want. "When a spouse communicates grace, we move beyond mistakes and the journey becomes enjoyable" (p. 150).

Then, of course, there's the necessary chapter on sex! DH has a really great take on the subject, saying that techniques and new ideas can be great, but sexual problems in a marriage are rooted in the heart, citing sloth, bitterness and unbelief as three primary culprits. He concludes by saying that "romance must be practiced, like an art" (p. 167).

When I saw the title of the last chapter, I almost put the book down and decided I was finished. "When Sinners Say Good-bye" just didn't seem a relevant topic for me at this point in my life. Boy, was I mistaken! I would go so far as to say this may have been the best chapter of all. He talks about God's calling for Christians to die well . . . "whether, through sanctification, our souls are prepared for the ultimate reality of death" (p. 170). We are to assist in the process of preparing one another's souls for eternity! What an incredible honor and weighty responsibility. He talks about dealing with grief when a spouse passes away - not withdrawing in self-pity, but realizing that our race is not yet over and there are so many ways the grieving spouse can be used by God, and how even a heavy loss is light and momentary in light of eternity. Such a loss can actually produce glory in us.

Final Analysis

Read this book!! It is challenging, convicting and thought-provoking. It is extremely well-written. The author is direct, yet gracious, often using humorous illustrations that make the content more palatable. After reading probably a dozen books on this topic, I've finally found one that goes the distance, penetrating to the very heart of marriage: the gospel and the glory of God.