I take a deep breath before plunging headlong into what may be one of the most potentially explosive topics concerning Christian families today. The post title - kepela - seemed fitting in that it means "standing on opposite sides of the river". (OK, so it's an expression in Ku, a fictional language from the fictional African country of Matobo, created for the movie The Interpreter. Whatever. It works for me!)
Anyway.
I "happened" to read the following 2 quotes within several days of each other at the beginning of April, and have been wrestling with this issue ever since. In a few days (God willing, of course!), I hope to post some of my own thoughts regarding the book containing the 2nd quote. The reason it's taken me so long to write on this topic is that I honestly don't know what I think about all of it. I was pretty much leaning in one direction, and then the last 3 days happened, leaving my neat little theories in total disarray (I won't bore you with details). All I know at this point is that I am commiting the matter to serious prayer, and would welcome any thoughts pertaining to this topic.
Well, here goes . . .
Quote #1
"'Once I understood how much work it takes to have a career and raise a child at the same time, I pretty much decided one was all I could handle.' Correia says being a one-child family allows her the right balance. "It gives me the joy of being a mother, but it's not too overwhelming to the point where I don't have time for myself . . . We have to be a 2-income family. Having another child is financially just not an option for us,' she says."
"'If finances and circumstances ever allow, we might have another child,' (Laura Miller) says."
"Many onlies will ask . . . for a little brother or sister, or wonder aloud why they're stuck being an only child. . . Respond with something like 'We've decided that our family size is just right . . . ' With an older child you can point out that many of the advantages he enjoys as an only - his own, specially-decorated bedroom, for instance . . . may be things he wouldn't have with a brother or sister." (emphasis mine)
- from the article "Should You Have Another Child?" Parenting, February 2007
Quote #2
"The more children we have, the less things we can have. Maybe a shorter vacation, maybe no vacation, perhaps non-designer clothes, perhaps less snazzy cars - whoever heard of a nine-passenger Corvette?
"Our culture has more incentive to chase after material things than any preceding it . . . Prompted by 25 billion dollars a year of mass advertising, we tend to fall into the habit of giving ourselves more things rather than more children. As an acid test of the truth of this statement . . . ask ten people this question: 'If you could have one million dollars or one more child, which would you choose?' (p. 27)
"It is true that you cannot care for a dozen children. You in yourself cannot even care for one adequately. . . but with His help, i.e., the counsel of His Word, our ability is multiplied. We might say that He who provides the progeny also supplies the ability (p. 84).
"Will we exercise faith or not? Will we trust God to give us the perfect number of kids at the perfect spacing?" (p. 65)
- from A Full Quiver by Rick & Jan Hess
11 comments:
after having a very long night with the beef last night, i don't believe i'm in an ivory tower when i ask:
but don't the pictures in the post below this one equally effect your thinking as some long days?
it appears, from reading both passages you've quoted, that you're viewing the issue from extreme vantage points. it also appears, from reading the post below, that the issue of the right or wrong of birth control isn't really what's on your mind. i gather that motherhood has become a very trying daily adventure for you and the thought of adding more and more children to the mix maybe frightens you. this has brought on some guilt because you believe you're focusing on yourself too much here. perhaps it would be better to open up to God by simpy telling him you're completely stressed out. pray for guidance on how you can improve yourself and your situation now so that you'll be better equipped to deal with difficult days tommorrow. and let go of the guilt. it will only make the situation worse for you. god never gives us more than we can handle. i truly believe that. now, with god's guidance, you just need to figure out how to bring balance back to your life.
ah, i'm guessing THIS was the book danny was supposed to read so you could discuss it together :) i have a friend who wholeheartedly believes you should have as many children as God chooses to give you. i think she's on number 8 right now (?) and she's my age. she even offered to pay to have todd's vasectomy reversed if we'd just reconsider our decision to stop having children. for awhile i felt guilty that we made a rather permanent decision, but on the other hand we already had 4 and knew even at that time that we wouldn't be able to simply give them "things" they might want whether we had more or not. we just wanted to be able to provide without constantly struggling to make ends meet. we did that for almost 10 years, and while i don't regret those years, neither do i miss them.
i applaud my friend, who has the full support of her husband by the way, and i believe she is doing what she believes God wants them to do. i confess that i do sometimes wonder who i'm missing out on. and i don't know that we committed our decision to much prayer. i'm glad to see you are.
danny2 - The fact that I love the kids I already have more than life itself, doesn't mean I necessarily want to add more (after #4, that is)! But your comment got me thinking of something I need to mention in my next post . . .
anonymous - I don't know that I'm dealing with guilt right now so much as conviction . . . but you're right - a little more balance wouldn't hurt. :-)
~d - Yes, this was the book. Honestly, i was hoping Danny would read it and say the authors took Scripture out of context or handled it incorrectly, but he came away thinking the opposite. *sigh* I just haven't been able to see things 100% from the cut-and-dried perspective presented, and yet some of their points do make a lot of sense.
You are a good mom already. Don't compromise that by stretching yourself too thin. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are an ungrateful, ungodly mother for what you do or don't do.
I had a feeling this might be the book you were referring to a few days ago. Matt and I have thought long and hard about birth control...and have been wrestling with it recently too as we are reaching the "assuming you've had a vasectomy" point. I'm very familiar with the quiverful philosophy. I actually do consider us quiverful-minded, but I disagree with some of the tenets of the extremists who call themselves that. We do birth control differently than I think just about all of our friends. But we don't avoid it altogether. I could share some of my journey on it and give you some of our reasoning, but I don't think on the blog. Rather personal, and also TOO LONG! :) I'll try to dig up your e-mail...or e-mail me if you want to discuss. In the meantime, John Piper has an essay about birth control on his site that I like. It's not terribly specific though on different forms nor does it specifically address permanent fixes, but I agreed with his driving principles.
In a nutshell, here are the 3 things we've been convicted of:
1. We view our children as blessings and gifts from the Lord. (that's the easy one)
2. We don't use hormonal birth control.
3. We avoid dogmatic statements regarding the size of our family such as "We are done now" or "We are only having x number of children". We feel that these presume too much on the future and leave us unavailable to the Lord's leading and/or changing our hearts.
Those are the key points for us and make us different than many of our friends, but we don't go to the extreme end where we let biology take it's course every time. I don't believe that giving nature free reign is a statement of my faith. The Lord leads us and guides us in so many other areas...why would I not trust Him to do so as I seek Him in this area?
Man, I wish that book would go out of print. I have seen it cause more distress and false guilt among good christians than any other book I can think of.
This booklet follows the pattern of Phariseeism which is 1) Take a good Biblical concept. 2) Develop a conviction about how it should be applied. 3) Make up a rule to support the conviction. 4) Enforce the rule with more fervor than the Biblical principle. 5) Make others feel guilty for not obeying your rule.
People have tried to make me feel sinful, selfish or faithless because I "only" have four kids and then decided it would be unwise for us to have more. They don't know the decision making process that was used or the motivations behind the decision. They have just reached the conclusion that "Everybody should have as many children as physically possible because 'God said so'."
Don't get sucked into it. If you want to have lots of kids, have them. But don't do it because some book made you feel like it was your christian duty.
on quote #2. Follow the logic of the book and eventually you will quit taking your children to the doctor. (Will we trust God to heal our children or not?) It's the same line of thought that allows parents to watch their children die of treatable diseases while quoting "The Lord gives and takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."
One more thing. (Can you tell this is a hot button for me?)
How many children did Paul have? Or Peter? Or James? Or John? In fact, how many kids did ANYBODY in the New Testament have? (Yes, I know Jesus had brothers and sisters)
Of course, you can argue this observation both ways. Since God already covered it in the OT, it didn't need to be repeated in the NT. Or. Once the new covenant was in force, bearing children lost the sacramental value it had in the OT.
Either way, I think determining the number of children you have falls under christian liberty, not under law.
RevP - Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts . . . I still haven't come to any real resolution on the subject, but am continuing to pray for God's guidance. We do, and will always, view children as a gift from God and a blessing; and at this point, I have to say, i can't imagine being any more blessed!! :-) Until I read this book, i thought we were pretty crazy for having four! i am convinced that this issue is a matter of opinion (as far as the way it practically plays out), is different for each family, and is more about our attitude toward children and not a hard and fast Biblical principle about having as many children as possible. But, i hope I can retain an open heart to God either confirming this or debunking it!
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